"The Fiona Apple of Comedy"

Best summer ever!

I don’t know about you, but so far my summer is sucking big time. It’s even worse when I compare it to last summer, which was probably the best, most fun summer I’ve ever had. Heck, it’s probably the most fun anybody’s ever had in a summer!


Summer of 2018, my parents shipped me down to Florida to get out of the crime- ridden streets of downtown Helena to spend the summer with my redneck cousins, Jasper and Clorox.

They introduced me to the “sport” of underwater rodeo, which ostensibly involves driving your boat alongside a dolphin, jumping from the boat onto the dolphin’s back and holding on as long as you can.

In reality, the dolphin easily throws you off almost instantly, or even if you manage to hold on, simply enters a dive and forces you to let go so that you can swim to the surface and breathe.

What happens next is both hilarious and disturbing and significantly
contributes to my estimation that this was the best summer ever. You see, either out of anger and revenge from being jumped on, or just pure animal horniness, I could never figure out which, once you are helpless in the water, the dolphin would swiftly come back around and rape you.

The dolphin would swim behind you and grab your bathing suit in its dolphin mouth and pull it down, exposing your bare butt. Then, the dolphin would swim on top of you and proceed to put his dolphin penis in your human ass.

I don’t know why there was never any female dolphins around, but that’s not important. What is important is that my cousins, no matter how many times this would happen, would do it over and over, again and again. Literally hundreds of times.

They clearly enjoyed it, but being homophobic hillbillies, they would have to try to pretend like they didn’t, even though they were obviously moaning with pleasure the entire time. So they would say something like, “oh my God, Eric, did you see that? Clorox is totally a f*g!” And then Jasper would just do the same thing to another one. I don’t know why they thought they were fooling me. Maybe they just didn’t care, because they liked it so much.

It looked pretty painful to me.

Every day was the same thing: they would ask me what I wanted to do and pretend to be genuinely interested in my opinion and then no matter what I said, they would propose that they go out on the boat and practice their underwater rodeo skills.

Anytime I would protest, or suggest they might have ulterior motives, they would look at me like I was a crazy person.

It probably didn’t help that I was so willing to go along with it. Don’t get me wrong, I never did it myself. I’m on a lot of blood thinners.

It was just so damn funny. You would think it would get old, but it didn’t. Each time these idiots would fall off and pretend to swim back to the boat, only to have their swimsuits grabbed and their buttocks soundly pounded, I would just die laughing.

Think about that visual for a second. It wasn’t very graphic. You could only see a brief flash of ass before it was just a dolphin, swimming back and forth on top of my inbred hick cousin for 30 seconds while he pretended to struggle and mask his screams of delight.

Well, like all good things, my summer soon came to an end. Jasper was put in County Jail for haranguing a protected species of wildlife and Clorox just pushed his luck one too many times, perhaps because he didn’t have Jasper there to spot him. But he died of blunt trauma to the anus, three days before I was scheduled to leave. Still, best summer ever!

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