"The Fiona Apple of Comedy"

No Soup For New Cars.

‘Memba this?

NOTE: This is an entry from my twitter page that I have condesnsed here for increased ease of readability.

ATTN: BMW USA, I recently tried to test-drive one of your automobiles when I was told (rather rudely and abruptly) that I could not plug a hot plate into one of the available 120v plus and start making soup.

I tried to explain to the salesman, Ibrahim H, that I couldn’t in good conscience hand over $127,000 of my hard-earned income to purchase a vehicle until I had fully tested all of its standard features and capabilities, including, of course, its ability to prepare a delicious and nutritious chicken noodle soup.

He seemed to think this was somehow outside the normal range of activities one would reasonably be expected a car to perform. Believe me, I am putting it much more politely than he stated. In fact, a number of your staff were very rude to me.

I want to ask you, is there a manual outlining what these “normal” uses of the car are? Of course not. This is America. You are free to do whatever you want in your own car. Unless you think making soup while driving a car is illegal. Maybe in Russia, it is. Or Iran. Or someplace that women aren’t allowed to drive and there are limitations placed on what kind of horse you can marry.

But I digress, this is the United States and we (still) have the basic freedoms and liberties outlined in the Bill of Rights (for now.)

This was a ridiculous charade and I feel it was excessive on your part to have six staff members physically remove me from your premises. I remind you: this was all about soup! Where is your corporate responsibility?

I have a sneaking suspicion that this whole soup thing was a ruse to distract from the real issue: your 120v outlets don’t draw enough power to sustain the wattage required by a hot plate! To which I say, “thank you for saving me almost 130 grand.”

Imagine how much of an idiot I would like if I arrived at my in-law’s house, having prepared THE MOTHERFUCKING MAIN COURSE in my brand new “luxury” German auto only to have my beloved Memaw Grace break a tooth biting into a carrot that had not been properly cooked due to the defective (and most likely) dangerous wiring of your vehicles.

At this point, I suggest we both go our separate ways and just be thankful we both didn’t make a horrible mistake: me buying your terrible, inadequate automobile and you getting a dangerous and sociopathic disgruntled customer who would make it his whole purpose in life to get his revenge on you!

Now that I think about it, aren’t you the company who charges a recurring fee for Apple CarPlay? A free service that Apple provides its customers who are relying 100% on their own property to provide navigation and music while driving?

I can’t believe this slipped my mind, because to tell you the truth, I wouldn’t have even considered your brand even if you told me it made the best goddamn soup in the world!

The nerve you have, nickel and diming people like that! You’re going to charge me the equivalent of a four bedroom house in Iowa to drive your automobile and you feel the need to gouge me for an additional $80 a month?

To hell with you, sirs and madams. I hope someday you’re trying to make soup in one of your poorly-made jalopies and you go to ask Siri how much thyme to add when it (finally) reaches boiling and Siri won’t answer you because your lust for ever more riches has cost you not only the ability to ask your digital personal assistant for help, but it has also cost you YOUR SOUL.

Sincerely, Eric Filipkowski

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