"The Fiona Apple of Comedy"

It’s time for a change

condom ghost

Condoms, am I right? I mean, it’s the 90s or whatever. Can’t we come up with a better answer for not getting AIDS or knocking up broads? I mean this is basically the same solution they came up with in the dark ages. Oh, I should put a bag over my dick and then just cram the whole thing in there? Great idea, William Shakespeare or whoever. The newest innovation was swapping out sausage casings for rubber. I mean, think about it. We can fly to the moon, power whole cities by splitting atoms, access the entire shared knowledge of humanity on a device that fits in your pocket and this is the best we could come up with? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a better idea, but then again I’m not a scientist. Maybe a pill? Or some kind of special hat? Maybe you could chew this gum while you were doing it and the gum would soak up the AIDS in your bloodstream? That’s the tough one, I realize. They already have pill that stops you from getting pregnant. The problem is, it’s the chick’s job to make sure she takes it and if you’re like me, you can’t trust that some floozy isn’t going to try to put one over on you so she can take half your money. Because I’m rich and I hate women. Recently, California made a law that says you even have to wear condoms in a porno. So all the porno fled to Vegas. Because condoms are ugly. It ruins the fantasy. May be us regular guys have to use them, but they shouldn’t in porn, because it’s not real. It’s fictional.But I guess they think were too stupid to figure that out. Like we might jump out a window, because we saw Superman do it on TV. And that’s not even the ugliest part of the condom experience. Because then when you’re done, you have to pull this thing out. This wilted, plastic sock full of mucus. It’s disgusting. So scientists: get on this.

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