"The Fiona Apple of Comedy"

What’s the deal, Wendy’s?

wendy

Take a bit out of ol’ Jerry!

I am proud to announce a new contributor the site. I met him while I was riding on the bus. His name is Jerry Culpeppers and he is a World War I veteran and elderly rights activist. I saw him yelling at some teenagers. When they started mouthing off to him he beat this one kid down with his cane so badly, the cops were called. When they showed up, he pretended he had dementia and started yelling about the Kaiser and mustard gas. Plus nobody else on the bus would back the kid’s side of the story up, so they ended up letting Jerry go, scot-free. Anyway, I gave him a job. I think he kind of looks like Andy Rooney so he is just gonna rip off that whole bit in a column titled “…and what’s the deal with airline food?” – Eric Filipkowski, Editor in chief.


 

jerryculpeppers

Jerry Culpeppers: Featured Contributor

… And what’s the deal with airline food? By Jerry Culpeppers

I have a bone to pick with you, Wendy’s: who is the redheaded girl in your commercials? Is that supposed to be “Wendy”? When the hell did Wendy get so hot? She went from being one of those redheads with too many freckles, like Conan O’Brien or Ron Howard, to one of those redheads who is smoking hot, like Jessica rabbit or Christina Hendricks. I find this very confusing.

If you are trying to get me to buy more hamburgers, you need to be more consistent. I don’t see McDonald’s trying to pull a fast one on anybody. Maybe that’s not supposed to be Wendy, but that’s even more confusing. I mean, you’ve built your whole brand on this little redheaded girl with pigtails and freckles and then you get a smoking hot version of that same girl all grown up, but now she’s somehow different?

And why aren’t your nuggets 99 cents anymore? The spicy ones are 99 cents. You can’t make something more expensive by adding more ingredients. I went to the drive-through window and demanded some 99 cent nuggets and told them to give me the spicy ones but just not but the spicy stuff on them and it ended up being this whole big thing with the police and everything. Now I have to get my grandson to drive me all the way to Culver City if I want a Frosty.

And you aren’t alone in making these confusing commercials where we are just supposed to know who these spokespeople are without having a shared history with them. There’s this Geico commercial where these two bearded hippies tell one-liners and play the banjo. Who are these guys? Their names are Jimmy and Skippy or something, but I mean, who are they? Do they have an act outside of the commercial? Did they get the job by having a successful YouTube channel or something like that? Are they huge in Sweden? And don’t even get me started on “Lily Adams” in those AT&T commercials! Who the hell is she that she can put down respected NBA All Star Grant Hill like that? Or “Jan”in those Toyota commercials.

I think I’m getting off track here. If somebody could find me Wendy’s home address that would be great. Or at least her phone number so that I could text her some sexy pictures of myself. I think we would really hit it off.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Basic HTML is allowed. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS

%d bloggers like this: