"The Fiona Apple of Comedy"

My 40 incher!

britneyspears

(actual size)

Every guy would love to have a giant penis, right? It’s just an accepted fact in our society that bigger means better.

Well, you might want to hold your roll there, slick. You haven’t heard my story.

When I hear some dude bragging about his “giant cock,” I usually have to laugh. They’re talking, what? Eight inches? Ten? A foot, maybe??

Try forty inches. That’s not a typo. Four zero. If you want to visualize it, just take a yard stick and attach it to yours and you’ve got mine. And I hate it.

There was a time when I was like you. I had a regular-sized one but I dreamed of  being bigger. So once when I was home from college, I snuck into the basement and got our old vacuum cleaner out. I had just seen Austin Powers. Before this movie, I had no idea what a penis pump was. But now I was thinking, “well, if a little hand-operated one made it a little bigger, a bigger, electric-powered one would make it enormous!”

And I was right. When I got out of the hospital three months later, I was packing forty inches! But it wasn’t worth it and not just because my last memory before blacking out from the pain was my mother yanking on it with all her might to free it from the hose attachment after she came bolting down the stairs to see what all of the screaming was about.

When you have a giant hog, you imagine girls will swoon and fall to their knees when they see it, not  cry out in terror and run away.

Apparently, the bigger the better has a cut off point. And that cut off point is probably far south of the pink baby elephant trunk I had in my pants.

I would also discover just accomplishing simple tasks little putting on pants would require much forethought and inventiveness on my part. At first, I would just snake it down the side of my leg, but that stopped the instant the the tip popped out of the bottom of my trousers and onto the floor and under my sneaker.

This motivated me to take it out and whip my co-worker across the face with it because he claimed that when his appendix burst, that was “the most intense  pain ever!” As a side note, it broke his jaw and he lost 3 teeth.

Then I started rolling it up like a garden hose and stuffing it into a pair size 4X underwear. This worked for a while, but it meant taking a piss was like a 15 minute ordeal.

And speaking of that, you know how you get grossed out if your belt touches the ground of the men’s room while you’re taking a deuce? Just imagine if you realized your wang had actually been sitting in the toilet the whole time, resting on a turd and you didn’t realize it because the end of it was basically dead because you had stepped on it too many times?

You get the point? Now I don’t leave the house without my custom-built kevlar sleeve that I run through my fly that has a baby  shoe on the end of it, because believe me, people thinking I have a malformed  third leg is easier to explain than the truth. Less embarrassing, as well.

The moral of the story should be self-evident, but just in case you’re thinking about increasing the size of your penis by sticking it in the hose attachment of your mother’s vacuum cleaner.: DON’T. Unless you want to get nonstop freak-groupie strange like I do. Because let me tell you, It is pretty great. On second thought, who am I to tell you not to follow your dreams?

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