"The Fiona Apple of Comedy"

The state of California vs. Kenan Thompson


Whoopsy Goldberg

I am a huge fan of Saturday Night Live. Just the music of the opening credits is enough to get me excited.

One actor whose opening credit sequence is particularly memorable is Kenan Thompson. I’m speaking of the year when he high-fives a cyclist on a bridge. There was something about that move that was just so cool!

While waiting to cross the street one day, I saw an approaching cyclist and decided to try it for myself. He saw my hand go up and he put his up and return! I couldn’t believe it, I was so excited!

Unfortunately, when his hand hit my hand, it knocked him off balance and he swerved into traffic. A large truck which was behind him at the time, turned a hard right hand turn to avoid running over the cyclist. This caused the truck to jackknife and spilled the contents of its trailer, which turned out to be drums of used motor oil, all over the road.

I watched in horror as one car after another locked up its brakes and slammed into the car in front of it. The domino affect stretched for 20 cars, enough to stretch for three blocks.

I immediately pulled out my cell phone and pretended to call 911. In the ensuing chaos, nobody saw me hightail it home.

I was sitting on my couch watching the story unfold on national news when the police came to my door. Apparently, they had caught what happened on a traffic surveillance camera. Thanks a lot, Obama! They charged me with all sorts of outlandish crimes and told me I would likely spend the rest of my life in jail. And I would have, if not for my lawyer, Moshe Rosenberg.

He argued that I was just an impressionable youth, simply emulating something I saw on TV. Something which Mr. Thompson and the people at Broadway video neglected to run a disclaimer before, stating that this should not be tried at home.

So now, not only am I not in jail, but I have a huge, $23 million settlement that affords me the time and opportunity to live my life as I know the victims of the Santa Monica Blvd. Tragedy would want me to.

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