"The Fiona Apple of Comedy"

Fake cop car auction guys

fake police car

You know me, I’m not one to rush to judgment on a whole group of people, based on their activities or what kind of car they drive. That said, the world would be a better place if we rounded up all the people at one of those used police car auctions and deported them to Antarctica. Why would anyone ever want to buy a used police car? Have you seen the way that cops drive their cars? One time I saw Po Po swerve over three lanes of traffic, driving over a (quite substantial) median in the process, just so he could flip a bitch at 35 MPH and floor it in the other direction. Where was he going? To a robbery? A cat stuck up in a tree? Or was he just aiming to get some In N Out before the really bad lines started? I don’t know, it could be any one of those. You’re only careful in your car because you own it. If Johnny taxpayer is the one footing the bill, who the hell cares; you can do whatever you want. And they do. Which brings me to my second point: those cars have like 300,000 miles on them when they are retired! That is like the equivalent of three times to the sun and back. When I see my odometer inching towards the half century mark, that’s when I look to trade in, or at least stage some sort of accident to get the insurance money. It is a scientific fact that modern cars are only engineered to work reliably up for 25,000 miles. And if you think your “new” police cruiser is going to go as fast as the ones you see on the 105, think again. They take all of that special engine junk out of them before they sell them. If they didn’t, what’s stopping you from outrunning the pigs when they tried to flag you down because you blew through a red? Besides the fact that your car is a POS and will probably explode or have its wheels fall off? That’s right: nothing. So why do these people buy these cars? For one reason and one reason only: they want to be police officers but they’re too fat to climb over that wall in those Police Academy movies. So either they just want to be a big dick and pull up behind you on the freeway and psych you out so you piss yourself and slam on your brakes, or more sinisterly, they want to prey on single women driving the backroads at night. They get some Radio Shack siren, place it on top of their second hand police cruiser and voila! In the dark, you’re not gonna question the legitimacy of a cop car. Who would fake something like that? These psychos would. By the time your grandma’s figured it out, it’s too late. She’s raped and dead, chopped up into little pieces inside this asshole’s cavernous trunk! Believe me, I’ve seen it happen a thousand times. Well, not me personally, but I watch a lot of TV.

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