"The Fiona Apple of Comedy"

Best ways to hang up after phone sex.

Sexy times in the woods!

Photo credit: GQ.com

Photo credit: GQ.com

Calling a 1-900 number for phone sex – a leisurely pursuit once so maligned, it was almost considered a dirty

word. The practice has achieved mainstream approval in recent years, thanks to the acknowledgement and de facto approval of notable figures like Kanye West, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and even former president, Jimmy Carter. Studies show that at any given moment, your family members and coworkers have a 47% chance of being engaged in a paid, lascivious phone chat.

But just because it’s normal and everybody does it, that doesn’t mean you won’t always be free from certain

Photo credit: LA Weekly

Photo credit: LA Weekly

awkward situations if you choose to indulge yourself in this storied and wonderful pastime: chief among these are terminating your conversation once you have achieved sexual climax.

Take it from me, there’s nothing worse than sitting in a pile of your own love goo while you listen to some anonymous sex worker try to make small talk in a shameless effort to keep you on the phone, wracking up charges.

But you can’t just hang up on them. That’s rude. Plus, if you plan on being a returning customer, you might get a bad reputation.

So I have compiled a list of my 10 favorite ways to negotiate that tricky grey area. These are guaranteed to help you not only go easy on your wallet, but the feelings of your disembodied partner, as well.

  1. Photo credit: RawStory.com

    Photo credit: RawStory.com

    “Oh shit, my mom’s coming!” This one makes me smile because I like to think about the lady on the other end wondering just how old I was or if I am one of those weirdos who lives with their parents well into their adult years. For the record, I am not. (Anymore.)

  2. “what? What? I can’t hear you! I’ll call right back.” This can be accompanied by your best line static sound effects or sometimes I like to crinkle up some paper in front of the receiver. This has the added bonus of making it seem like you’re not a cheap piece of shit who is worried his wife will receive the phone bill and come to him with all sorts of questions about “a $300 call to ARSP Inc.”
  3. Jesus, I’m only on number 3?? What did I say, 10? Christ. OK, just start screaming and say, “Oh no, it’sGodzilla!” and press end call. You might think nobody would fall for this, but I would remind you that you are looking for tips about phone sex, so you are probably into very young Asian women. Freak.
  4. Photo credit: Google.comMan, I really should have said Top 5, huh? Well, you know how some people have those hilarious answering machine messages where they make you think they have answered and can’t hear you and are asking you to speak up or something like that? Well, I know it’s a stretch, but if you have one of those “Beep” sound effects handy, you can always just say, “Ah, I got you good! I’m actually not home, leave a message!” and then be sure to play the beep before you hang up.

    Photo credit: YouTube.com

    Photo credit: YouTube.com

  5. Give the impression that you have been talking while on a plane this whole time. Play a recording of a flight attendant saying you are on final approach and you have to turn off all your electronic equipment. That way, it’s not your fault. Because what are you gonna do? Break the law and ignore FAA regulations? Not in Post-9/11 America, you’re not.
  6. mars_attacks_movie_image_blu-ray_01-600x247Number 3 but with robots or aliens or some shit like that. I don’t know.
  7. Propose marriage. Every little girl dreams about the day a man gets down on one knee and asks them to be their wife, but none of them imagined that scenario coming from a stranger on the other end of a phone that they have probably grown to hate over the last three minutes. If they don’t immediately hang up on you, sweeten the offer with details about your life as a paraplegic or your six special needs children.
  8. Come on, 8 is good enough, right? I mean, this is a one note joke, at best! No? Fine. So blow up a balloon and let the air out and then say you’re melting or you sprung a leak or something, which is kinda true, when you think about it.
  9. Just hang up. You deserve to feel bad. Phone sex is gross. It’s not normal and everybody does not do it, no matter what you have been told. Weirdo.
  10. Photo credit: SeriousEats.com

    Photo credit: SeriousEats.com

    OK, this one is gross, but you people jerks me too far. You have to understand that the level of revulsion these people deal with on a daily basis is pretty high, so you really have to go for it if you want them to be shocked enough to be the one to terminate the call. Before you call, drink like 90% of a milkshake and leave the rest in the cup sitting next to you in your car or by your sister’s bed or wherever you are and. When you done making love, say “now for the best part!” and loudly slurp the milkshake up with a straw. If that doesn’t work, make a fart noise on your hand and say, “Up next for dessert: homemade brownies!” If that person hasn’t hung up on you, they have truly earned that money and you should not feel bad about having to shell out a little extra cash. You should feel bad about the depths to which you are willing to go to to save a few pennies.

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2 Responses to “Best ways to hang up after phone sex.”

  1. RyderDoll

    As a PSO I can tell you… 1) this was definitely funny & 2) if a guy doesn’t hang up and engages in small talk, it’s fucking awkward for us too! I’ve often been known to just say, “Ok…. I think it’s time for you to clean yourself up and go to bed” or something to that effect. Except for my regular GFE callers who want “cuddle time” pillow talk, I can spare the extra few dollars it takes for a guy to work up the nerve to figure out how to speak to me like a human being after he’s feeling the shame of all the filthy things he’s just said!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. Eric Filipkowski

    Feel free to use any of these. I think it would be pretty funny if I was calling a lady for phone sex and she had to go because she thought her mom was coming.

    Like

    Reply

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