"The Fiona Apple of Comedy"

Europe sucks!

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This is the Epcot Ride, but I call it the giant golf ball!

I haven’t been there, but if there is one place I hate, it’s Europe. Why so judgmental, you might say?

Let’s review:

  1.  People in France are rude and think they’re better than everybody.
  2.  People in Italy are greasy and they think they’re better than everybody.
  3.  People in England have terrible teeth and think they’re better than everybody.

And so on and so forth with all of the other countries. What’s the one that IKEA comes from? ESPECIALLY that one. But also especially Ireland because of everybody being drunk.

I’m getting off track. I should have stuck to just saying Europe sucks and leave it at that. They all think they’re better than everybody.

The number one reason that Europe sucks though, is that it isn’t even in the United States! Seriously, you probably didn’t even know that but it’s true.

Europe is wicked far away. The closest Europe parts are across a whole ocean. So that right there is a deal breaker: I don’t go anywhere I can’t bus it to. And boats are gay. I saw that movie with the “show me the money!” guy.

Which leads me to another point: Europe is completely redundant. There is literally no reason to visit Europe, because of Epcot.

Just go to Epcot. Epcot is awesome, you don’t even know. They got this ride where you can ride in a car around a track and some other stuff too. What kind of other stuff you ask? Oh I don’t know, how about the whole freaking world in one place? Is that good enough for you, fruitcake?

In France, you have tons of French people who are rude and hate us for beating them in World War II. But in the France in Epcot you have French people who have come over to here just to work at Epcot. It’s like a big honor for them so they are not jerks.

Say you want to experience the real Mexico without the blood stains in your underpants. Impossible you say? Just go to Epcot! They got everything you could ever want right there: margaritas, tacos and a riverboat ride!

Say you want to go to Canada but you don’t want to freeze your dick off. They got that too. They got parkas and steak and a 360 degree movie with Martin Short who is  a real Canada-ian. But it’s in Florida, so even in the middle of winter you can wear shorts and take a picture and send it to your friends and they will be totally jealous. Pretty sweet, eh? (They say ‘eh’ in Canada.)

I could go on and on and list why every country in Epcot is better than the real thing, but I’m just going to say that you should consider the source. Those countries were founded by a bunch of foreigners way back when in olden times and they would poop in the streets and kill each other and have sword fights all the time, like in Game of Thrones, which takes place in Europe, but they call it something else because they don’t want to get sued.

Epcot was conceived by Walt Disney. A man universally beloved and admired and who never said anything bad about the Jews probably. A man who always has the best interests of the world in mind. This guy was a genius and if you had to ask who should be the one guy to design the ideal place to go to experience the world, everybody would say him.

Instead of pooping in the streets, you can poop in a nice modern bathroom like a real human being. It doesn’t matter if you’re in Germany or even China! They didn’t get running water in the real  China until the 1970’s! You can sample all the finest cuisine from around the globe and be confident you’re not going to get sick because it’s made to the finest American standards and health codes. And even if you do, it’s no big whoop because of those plentiful and convenient restrooms I just mentioned. Plus you don’t have to get on a plane which has like a 30% chance of crashing, statistically speaking.

Look, it makes sense. Europe blows, everybody knows that, they just don’t have the balls to say it because they’re afraid those jerks will get their feelings hurt and stop sending us olives and yogurt and French bread pizzas or whatever.

Now, I wrote this on my own because these are my opinions and in America we have the right to say our opinions, unlike some place that shall not be named, (i.e.. Europe,) but I just want to stress that I didn’t write this under the prodding of the Walt Disney Company or whatever, but if they happened to want to give me a free trip to Epcot out of the kindness of their hearts, I will not turn them down because I think it would be nice for them to recognize all the free publicity I have given them.

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