Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (CNN) — Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 went down in the southern Indian Ocean, Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak said Monday, citing a new analysis of satellite data by a British satellite company and accident investigators.
To the surprise of many, authorities were able to determine the location of the crash without listening to the crackpot conspiracy theories of your jackass friends on Facebook.
“Ultimately, we were looking in the wrong place. Once we heard that Beverly Wilson of Clearwater, Florida had heard that some large pieces of debris had been spotted in Australia, we immediately abandoned our search along all probable flight paths,” said the Prime Minister.
When pressed for details about the qualifications of Ms. Wilson, Mr. Razak said he had never met the woman and his son may have added her as a friend when he was using his account.
Even The United States Government seemed perplexed by the announcement.
“It’s a mystery,” said Demetri Popadopolous, President Obama’s special envoy to Malaysia, during the crisis, “How that plane broke up over the water when Stephen O’Connell, my cousin’s friend I met once at his wedding insisted that terrorists had hijacked it and landed it on a secret island airbase is anyone’s guess.”
“We’re not entirely 100% that this is what really happened,” cautioned President Obama. “Lest we forget that time Charles Widmore arranged to have an identical airplane loaded with corpses deliberately sunken in a different place to throw people off the real location of the Island,” citing the once-popular television program, Lost.