"The Fiona Apple of Comedy"

Fun things to do on a rainy day!

Or you can just hang out with Ron Adolphe and Burton Alfred!

Just because it’s raining outside, doesn’t mean you can’t have any fun. Indoor activities can be exciting and educational if you just use your imagination! We have made this list of old classics your parents have probably enjoyed, only with a modern twist to bring the fun into the 21st century!
The blanket party! – Throw Daddy a blanket party when he gets home by waiting by the door on a ladder or step stool and then throwing a blanket over his head while you beat him with sticks! If you can’t wait til six, order some pizzas and test out your technique on the delivery guys, but make sure you refuse to pay for the pizzas, because who wants to eat a bunch of smashed-up pizzas?

Flaming bag of pooh! – Who hasn’t enjoyed laughing at some unsuspecting sucker’s attempt to stamp out a nondescript paper bag engulfed in flames on their porch, only to discover it contains feces which get all over his or her shoes? Hilarious! While there’s a certain satisfaction in using your own excrement for the job, a lot can go wrong and the chance of getting poop on your hands is too great. I recommend ordering 20-30 bags of industrial grade animal fertilizer and an incendiary device you can trigger from a remote location!

Ding dong ditch! – This one requires some prep work on your part, but the results are well worth it. Hire an actor to pose as a city worker to go to your target’s home and say they’re at risk for a fire because of their electrical wiring. During the “inspection,” have the fake employee hook up a wireless RF radio to the wiring to the door bell, per your schematics. Provide them with some burnt out wires they can produce as proof they arrived just in time. Now all you have to do is wait for the right moment (I like 3am,) to drive them nuts from the comfort of your own home!

Prank phone calls! – I bet you thought this old time favorite from the 80’s met an untimely demise with the advent of caller i.d., but with a little ingenuity and a couple hundred dollars, you can prank people to your heart’s delight! What you’re going to need is a ‘burner’ cell phone. Any convenience store in the sketchy part of town will be willing to sell you a prepaid cell phone. The only thing you have to do is cover your tracks. Scope the place out before you purchase and make note of any surveillance cameras, which you are going to want to face away from. A hooded sweatshirt can be helpful with this. Make sure to bring lots of cash and a gun, (in case any punks mistake you for a bitch and try to take your cash,) and you’re good to go! You’re free to ask people if their refrigerator is running, if they have Prince Albert in a can or if they know where their kids are right now! Just make sure you don’t use the same phone for too long because those killjoys at the NSA will eventually track you down!

Enhanced interrogation! – For this one, you’re going to need an adult to play the part of the stoolie. Make sure not to tell them the real reason you’re tying them up, then once they’re in your power, you can reenact your favorite scenes from the glorious war on terror that took place at Guantanamo Bay and CIA black sites around the globe! Quiz your sister on what the hell she’s doing in the shower for 45 minutes. Find out if Rosa really has no clue where Mommy’s gold bracelet went, or if Uncle Steve was actually in Pittsburgh on business last May and not in Miami with his secret second family like Aunt Carol’s always yelling about when she gets drunk! The techniques you’ll need to get the truth can be found in a simple Google search of “George Bush” followed by the terms “waterboarding,” or “walling,” or “locking prisoners of war in a confined space or coffin-like box!”

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