"The Fiona Apple of Comedy"

I love soda!

fat eric

Everybody needs to shut up about soda.

“Soda causes cancer.” “

Soda  makes you fat.”

“Soda will give you diabetes.”

“Soda’s bad for you!”

I get it. I know. I choose to drink it anyway. Why? Because I like it. Why don’t go you go bother some smokers? There’s actually science that they’re doing something bad. I am pretty far away from totally convinced that it is actually bad for you. “But the studies show  blah blah.” Which studies? The way you’re going to convince me is not by citing some nut’s random blog. Or the natural foods website you go to. Or any crap like that. Show me a real study. No, not that one. A real one. And even if you can convince me, I don’t really care. I know you have that anecdotal evidence about that lady who had all sorts of problems and then she stopped drinking soda and she was fine. I’m already fine. Don’t worry about me. Just go with it. Soda tastes good. I drink a lot of water, but if I have to drink it with a meal, I feel let down. I want a soda. I’ve been afraid they will ask me to leave a restaurant before because I’ve drank too much soda. Like when fat people get banned from all you can eat buffets; that’s how much I like it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get fat. Not from soda anyway. Do you really think that an enormous land barge of a person got that way from soda? I know, he’s drinking a soda, but do you honestly think he got that way FROM soda? Because I tend to think it was from that giant bucket of KFC he was eating. A while ago I switched to diet soda. Now everybody tells me that diet soda is actually worse for you than regular soda. Not according to my Weight Watchers daily tracker it isn’t. A regular soda is 3 or 4 points. A diet soda is zero. Do you know what this means? I can drink all the soda I want! And I do! Because it tastes good. But also because while it may be bad for me. I’m not just going to take your stupid crazy friend’s word on it. So to reiterate: I like soda.

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